JACK’s Horrible Horoscopes For The Week Of July 28th

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(Photo by Burchell/Fox Photos/Getty Images)

(Photo by Burchell/Fox Photos/Getty Images)

Aquarius: You don’t use your Netflix streaming subscription enough. You’ve only watched three movies in the past four months — that’s like $10 per s***** movie! Here’s what you do: First, tell all your friends, and your employer, you have mono. Say you are going to have to work “part-time” from home for the next month. Watch at least four movies per day and you’ll be back to getting your money’s worth. Lucky numbers: 3 and 4.

Aries: You really should have tipped that waiter more last week. Guess what? He was about $5 short on the amount he owed to his bookie and now he doesn’t have a left index finger. Nice going. Lucky numbers 5 and 9.

Taurus: You should grow a mustache if you strike out again this weekend. Lucky numbers 3 and 5.

Gemini: Those thoughts you are having about leaving your significant other are not genuine. You are just way too stressed from work. And, you are way too stressed from your partner leaving filthy dishes in the sink, never vacuuming, rarely taking showers and sleeping around town. You’re gonna get through it. Lucky numbers: 9 and 12.

Cancer: The next time you listen to that Skrillex album, try doing it without ecstasy in your system. You are going to be blown away by how bored you get. Lucky numbers 3 and 8.

Libra: Libra, this is the month you have been waiting for! Not only are you going to get a promotion at work, you are going to finally have enough to get that big screen TV you’ve been salivating over ever time you go to Best Buy and your favorite band is going to announce a massive world tour shortly. Yes, the band will be stopping in your neck of the woods! There is one small problem, however. You are going to accidentally be shot by a nail gun sometime next week. Lucky numbers: 7 and 8.

Leo: There’s a chance you may have displaced Occupy Tallahassee protesters squatting in your backyard on Thursday. Lucky numbers 4 and 10.

Virgo: You may want to sit down for this. The goldfish you flushed down the toilet 14 years ago was just in a coma, it wasn’t dead. Anyway, shortly after the flush, he awoke in a highly-contaminated substance that accelerated his growth and gave him the capability to squirt lava out of his gills. He is now 375 pounds — other sewer dwelling creatures refer to him as Gold Death. Long story short, he is seeking revenge and is coming for you and your family. Lucky numbers: 1 and 10

Scorpio: Congratulations on the engagement, you found the perfect match. It may seem a little odd, but just go through with the matching forehead tattoos your soon-to-be spouse wants to get. Believe it or not, forehead tattoos, especially in Old English, are going to be the next big look. Lucky numbers: 3 and 6.

Sagittarius: Remember that time you accidentally caught a peak of your neighbors gettin’ down and dirty? They purposely left the blinds open. They’re waiting for you to join in the fun. You don’t even have to knock on the door, just waltz in, and as soon as you arrive, they’ll know you received the message. Lucky numbers -3 and -4.

Capricorn: Your dance moves absolutely suck. There are no lucky numbers for you this month. You have no rhythm. You suck.

Pisces: It’s time to get a new car. Everybody thinks you transport illegal substances based on the vehicle you drive now. You live in a nice part of town, show some respect to your community and put minds at ease. Lucky numbers: 2 and 4

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