JACK Wants To Know: Who Should Own The Clippers?
Ever since Donald Sterling was caught on tape (edit: was recorded on someone’s iPhone) spewing all kinds of racist nonsense, we’ve been hearing rumors about what might happen with the Clippers organization.
Seattleites are hoping the team is sold and ends up in the North West. We’ve learned our lesson since losing the Sonics, and we’re ready to start over. We promise. Give us another chance, NBA. We can be better.
But since some people are inclined to believe that’ll never happen, we brainstormed a few owners we’d like to see take control of the organization. Popular opinion has Oprah pegged as a potential buyer, which we’d be cool with. But, for the sake of fun, we thought we’d work out a few scenarios where our favorite singers take over the team. We’re imaging a beautiful world where…
Steven Tyler is the owner of the Clippers
Walk this way, Clippers! Aerosmith’s frontman would definitely bring some fun. The new Clippers team will be goin’ hard in the paint with skinny pant suits and scarves, known to their enemies as only ‘the demons of dunkin’.”
Chris Martin is the owner of the Clippers
The lead singer of Coldplay just got divorced from Pepper Potts from Ironman, and he sure would benefit from a new adventure. And who better than Chris Paul, Blake Griffin and Danny Granger to provide a few hours of bro-bonding time? Martin would be big on team-building exercises (a nice change of pace from Don Sterling, who was rumored to yell horrible things at players while court-side). We hope that every Clippers game would include a Coldplay half-time performance and spoken word ‘sesh to get all those feelings out.
Britney Spears is the owner of the Clippers
The Clippers are used to having a complete mess as an owner, and at least Britney is a solid upgrade from Don Sterling. When Britney takes control, the Clippers’ Gatorade coolers are going to be replaced with Red Bull and Frappucinos and the team song will be Sophie B. Hawkin’s “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover.” Yes, we know there are a million and one solid Britney chart toppers that would be suitable team songs, but damn it this is Britney’s team and things don’t have to make sense!
Beyoncé is the owner of the Clippers
Bey is already the Queen, so adding “team owner” to her title isn’t much of an upgrade. Her mogul husband, Jay Z, already owns his own sports agency, Roc Nation Sports. Jay’s agency is responsible for signing Robinson Cano to the Mariners, so moving a major league basketball team to Seattle would be the icing on the cake, Anna Mae. Plus, you can be sure that if Beyoncé is the team owner, the Clippers’ Instagram page will be #Flawless.
Prince is the owner of the Clippers
Wouldn’t it be wonderful? Like most other owner takeovers, the purple reign would begin with a change in the current team uniform (can you play in a sequin blazer, Blake Griffin?). The team formerly known as the Clippers would take to the court at the beginning of every game, accompanied by the release of 500 doves (one for each of the Instagram pictures V. Stiviano had to delete).
We want to know: who would you like to see at the Clippers’ new team owner?