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Why Wolverine Is The Worst Super Hero Ever

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Stephen Lovekin and Gareth Cattermole  Getty Images Entertainment

Stephen Lovekin and Gareth Cattermole Getty Images Entertainment

Marvel have made another Wolverine movie, because when you have the largest selection of comic book heroes in the world it’s important to focus on the white guy with stubble. The imagination of comics is truly bringing bold new visions to cinema.

Wolverine has been in more Marvel comics than staples, and fulfills the same function: a tiny bit of metal holding everything together despite not being a fun bit to read. Despite appearing in more things than the face of Christ, he’s one of the worst superheroes ever written.

He Can’t Lose

Wolverine is meant to be the most badass hero in Marvel, but stabbing people who can’t stop you really isn’t heroic. We know the hero of the comic won’t die, but it usually isn’t their actual superpower. Wolverine’s healing factor means he leaps into battle with less fear than an artillery shell. And less fear than that artillery shell’s manufacturer, which makes money by lobbing exactly the same thing into every fight over and over with no risk of real damage. When you can heal from everything up to and including decapitation you’re not a badass for leaping into gunfights empty handed. You’re a psychotic who gets off on bleeding over people.

The new movie is aware of this problem, with the trailer promising that he’ll lose the healing factor. But that’s a more tragically doomed attempt to create tension than suspending an elephant above a playschool. It’s called The Wolverine, not The Wolverine For Twenty Minutes Then He Gets Shot And Dies. The most important law in comic physics is “the name in the title wins.” He’s still going to win in the same way. Removing his healing factor won’t give him any other interesting abilities, it’ll only give us more scenes of people tenderly dabbing his wounds instead of excitingly creating them. Which is doubly pointless when you watch Die Hard and realize that every other action hero effectively has Wolverine’s powers already.

He Never Learns Anything

Wolverine hasn’t changed in almost forty years, because his only character trait is specifically designed to prevent him ever gaining a second one. People are meant to learn from their mistakes. The only thing Wolverine’s has learned is the increasing price of yellow spandex over time. He’s not a character, he’s a punching-bag, absorbing damage until a fixed amount of time has passed.

Finish reading ‘Why Wolverine Sucks’ at The ManCave from CBS.

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